Visons of Maidenhead

Grabbed a sandwich and bottle of Pellegrino and parked my vintage dress on a bench in the Maidenhead high street today at the height of the midday rush. Eating proved difficult, bits of roast chicken falling on my lap as a procession of ugly flip flopped past in all states of completely terrible.

Office workers in spandex that details every buldge, mole and body pimple. Unisex beer guts hanging out as their oblivious owners stroll around unabashed, making no attempt to adjust their clothing. Mountains of rippling pink flesh squeezed into summer nylon, swollen trotters shoved into all manner of open toed and square heeled footwear.

Then I started noticing the disabilities: facial tics, Downs, all varieties of limps ranging from pulled muscle to polio, Jesus, was Maidenhead built on a toxic dump?

Actually, that was Slough.

The fashions are almost Eastern European bad. Like that guy who stood across from me smoking a cigarette with one leg leaning back on the wall like beginners pose A from the Cool Manual. Tight flurescant orange t-shirt festooned with gold chain acoutrement, black jogging trousers, those snug sneakers favored by clyclists that I abhore for casual wear (sorry Europe), black stringy mullet under the baseball cap and faded blue ink tattoo of something nationalistic.

You know you've been watching too much reality trash when you look at people and perform mental plastic surgery on them. Then you picture them with post op bandanges, like even if they are talking to you. Namely it's chin implant gauze, nose job plaster and that foamy stuff that wraps the head up preventing total feature collapse.

Anyway, I shouldn't make fun of Maidenhead. New York is no better. Every day you'd witness 400 pounds of ugly walking by in fringe and mesh. Oh relax, I'm not being mean to the fat & unfashionable, I just think people should know their bodies and dress accordingly - except for starving artists like Nicole Ritchie who should just die and be placed in small pink coffins light enough for La Lohan to carry.

So how do we think Paris is faring? She might be killed by murder or die of being surrounded of things that "aren't hot." Either way she'll definately be scarred in all ways but if she makes it out(and I'm sure she will), she'll have redeemed herself somewhat through her public suffering and I guarantee will be less hateful to the public. Maybe she'll even start championing small black people causes. Then again, maybe she'll fly to Monaco on a private jet.

And who am I to make fun of anyone anyway? I'm temping as a receptionist in Maidenhead. True this is aiding my prolongued summer in the south of France and true its better than watching daytime TV but still, its super loserish.

At least I'm dressed well.

Your fan,

a.