Friday, 23 May 2008

Back with Another of those Block Rocking Blog Entries

Its been a while, I know all two of you have been wondering where I've been all this time, well let me tell you, it takes a while to get used to the whole new job / new apartment / new country / new life dealio but I'm handling it like a fucking pro, its like I've always lived in England though to be fair, I did sort of spend 15 years growing up here, but lets not split hairs.

I'm enjoying my new job a lot and thats pretty much all I've got to say about it, and I'm enjoying the new man in my life who understands fully that the way to my heart is bacon sandwiches and shark movies.

Which leads me neatly onto this knowledge bomb:

Simply put, Shark Attack 3.

Don't even bother with Shark Attack 1 or 2 (we fast forwarded the "plot" until it got to good shark bits) its all about no. 3. This movie, made in 2002 which is unbelievable (I thought 1985 max) has a budget of about 50 bucks and the main starlets lips appear inflated / deflated from scene to scene. If thats not awesome enough, the shark is a megaladon which simply put means its about the size of NY state and swallows entire ships whole making Jaws look like cranky plankton.

More awesomely, all the killer sharks in the movie make groaning noises when they swim about because thats just how evil they are, the literally go "grrrrrr" and it never ever gets old. The shots are cleverly intercut with national geographic footage of real sharks but only a film major like me could spot the subtle differences like the fact that the real sharks are swimming in tropical waters in the daytime one minute and choppy waters at night the next.

Obviously, the movie is all about the attacks and while I don't want to ruin it for you or anything, I think you should have a little taster to......whet your appetite?

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Thats not even the best bit. Cuz the best bit is the dialogue, and its not just B movie dialogue (that necessary noise bridging one shark attack to the next), no no....Shark Attack 3 is home to the best single line of dialogue ever written..nay, improvised, ever. You can youtube the clip if you must, its under shark attack 3 with a header of something like "THE LINE".

I was warned that the reel of watery genius that is Shark Attack 3 is home to the best line of dialogue in movie history. I kept thinking I had heard it but I was calmly reassured that just like my first ever orgasm, I would know when it happened.

There's really not much more I can say about Shark Attack 3 except that you should all buy it as I have, even if part 1 and 2 come with, it should only set you back a couple of dollars/quid and in some stores, you might actually be paid for its removal.

More movie gold coming soon cuz now I've got a partner in crime who doesn't think its weird to watch werewolf movies upon awakening on a sunny spring day.

your fan,


Friday, 25 January 2008

Take a Worm for a Walk Week

Possibly one of the best lines in Karate Kid I? Its definitely debatable.

I've been watching parts 1-3 this week, and it occurred to me that I have never seen Karate Kid 3, like ever! I somehow went straight to part 4 with Hilary's Wank (that was for you, Ric) which shouldn't even be a part of the compilation, no Cobra worth.

I haven't finished 3 yet but damn is it good so far, Ralph's trousers are pleasantly high waisted and he never keeps still, like he's eternally coiled in fight preparation, (now that he's a champion and all)..but its weird, he's constantly jumping around and shifting his weight from foot to foot which leads me to believe that he's got mad junky itch. Controversial.

Then there's also the fact that Machio is pushing 40 in part 3 and I was made aware today by a most reputable source that the pony tailed gold chained slick villain was actually younger than Ralph for realsies.

The villain is perfect, he soaks in a bath half the movie talking on a ridiculously large 80's mobile, sipping crystal, smoking Cubans in between bouts of evil laughter. When he's not soaking it up, he's wearing pin stripped suits or non spiritually training in karate and when he's undercover as a good guy, he tucks his jumper into snug fitting jeans. I'm a fan.

The female interest in part 3 has better chat than Elisabeth Shue in part I and that Japanese (was she even Japanese?) chick in part deux..though she sure knew her way around a fan. I love the way the beginning of each movie recaps the last and the first line of the film is always about why the love interest from the last film is no longer around, why his mother is no longer around, and why Miagi and Ralph get to hang out with each other all summer..yet again (gay).

So as I google imaged karate Kid 3 in search of baddie visuals, I came across this chunk of gold:

Its from a website called "". This guy is my fucking hero. Crotch rip? Check! Three feet of air? Check! Bigger tits than me? Check!

So I've started my own karate career here in I the only non Indian female? You bet. I'm training for my black belt..but damn am I out of shape and pretty much forgot everything I've learned so far. So basically, I'm a 3rd degree brown belt thoroughly qualified to shit myself if I get attacked.

Your fan,