My Mother Looking like Karl Lagerfeld

So check out this picture of my mom sleeping looking just like Karl Largerfeld and then I'll stop going on about her, I swear.. but she's just a constant source of amusement. Anyway, I showed her the picture once she had awoken and she totally agreed. Seriously, all that’s missing is the starched collar, the fan and Posh Spice.

Posh gets picked on so much its unreal. And now it’s my turn. Yeah, she looks like an insect making a “sucking on lemon” face (though Rene Zellweger wins the prize with her “sucking on bag of lemons and salt” face.) My friend Benjy does a perfect imitation of “the Rene”.

Even though I am appalled by pictures of Victoria in tiny little white shorts with her legs looking like my arms, is it totally awful that I wish I was twice as fat as her? (i.e half my actual weight.) She’s supposed to make me angry, women’s magazines blah blah, eating disorders, Nicole Ritchie’s impending death… but instead I reach for my bottle of water and think “yes, I’ll eat egg whites and tuna fish for breakfast.”
I can’t be too mad at Posh, since falling from fame she’s made a successful career out of being herself, has dealt with being Britain’s Anna Nicole (RIP) type punching bag and has had to deal with a husband prettier than her. That’s just got to make you lose your appetite.

In Hollywood the Beckhams will be treated like royalty cuz Californians will never realize that the only thing "posh" about Posh is nothing and they will forgive David for his voice because he’s beautiful. Sadly, his voice will deny him a movie career unless he gets vocal training and/or vocal cord surgery. I think I’ve just predicted the future. You heard it here first.

So right now I’m in a Starbucks in Belsize Park North London, the nucleus of all that which I consider evil (Starbucks not Belsize Park) and I hate myself. The only reason I am here is because I thought they would have free wireless internet like they do in the States and I’m jobless and working in dollars in the UK - feel Eastern European but with smaller boobs, a thicker waist, a prettier face and a weaker work ethic.

So this was the 5th “coffee establishment” I walked into to ask if they had free wireless and the (Polish) counter associate mis-understood my use of the word “free.” I ordered a Venti caffe latte and a bottle of water and $40 later I’m realizing that wireless is $10 an hour. Now I’m one of those people typing into their laptops in the window of a Starbucks.




And I’m friggin’ surrounded by babies. Like brand new babies with their heads hanging at that weird newborn angle, still shiny from placenta.

your greatest fan,

a.