"OH MY GOD, Laaaady!!!!"

So, true story. An old friend of mine used to work at FAO Schwartz on 5th Ave as a toy demonstrator. One day, he was stationed in the "doll wing" and saw this amazing exchange unfold before him.

The doll wing is this huge light filled room with hundreds of glass displays of vintage Barbies worth your rent. At the top of the escalator stands Richard Simmons, jazzercise guru and doll collector (little known fact I happen to be aware of) and yes, he was wearing those small shorts favoured by Olympic Walkers. At the bottom of the escalator is a mid-western woman in Wrangler jeans with one of those huge rectangular asses. She spots the furry idol and screams “OH MY GOD, Richard Simmons!” and Richard, from the top of the escalator throws his arms in the air and screams “OH MY GOD laaaaady!!” and runs down to embrace her in that way he does.

I can only imagine what it must have been like to witness this first hand, especially for my friend who never went to work without doing at least 4 gravity bong hits out of a bucket in the kitchen sink (of the apartment we shared). He would supplement this morning dose with joints during his lunch breaks/bathroom breaks/unofficial breaks. Anything to get him through a day of working at FAO surrounded by America’s, nay the worlds, youth.

Being stationed in the “ball room” was the worst fate possible as every boy child made it his day’s ambition to pelt the toy demonstrator with persistent hostility. All too often parents would stare down at their son with proud smiles and make comments about his athletic abilities, but the minute they turned their backs on little Jimmy, my friend would throw a ball back at the unsuspecting child…as hard as possible. Something else I would equally have liked to witness, perhaps even more than lovely Richard.

Am amazed that my friend was able to retaliate against the children at all, I mean – he was the kind of stoned that shouldn’t be in public, the kind of stoned that has you pleading with your flat mates to call an ambulance certain that you will be the only person to ever over dose on weed. Then again, this is a guy who as a teenager would drop 3 tabs of acid and then go on a rollercoaster.

I guess this is what you do when you grow up in Ohio.

your greatest fan,

a.