"Fair Game"

Last night, I couldn't stop watching "Fair Game" that movie with Cindy Crawford and a Baldwin. The English Sunday Times TV listings described it as "utterly brainless" but its so much more.

Crawford plays a lawyer, the kind that fights for the little hispanic people. You know that she cares about people because she has pine furniture in her apartment and then it is blown up by baddies. You know that she's a lawyer because she wears suits with padded shoulders and really short skirts and says "documents" a lot. Sometimes she's wearing a jogging outfit.

Try and watch this all the way through, it will be hard but rewarding.




So its not as good as "Showgirls" but its a close cousin.

Lets talk about the bad guys for a second, the main baddie is Victor Maitland from Beverly Hills Cop I, the guy with the mole in the middle of his forehead. He plays exactly the same character with the same cool detached British accent. His posse are dressed in black and armed and spend their whole time in a black SUV following Cindy and the Baldwin around. The baddie wearing glasses is in charge of the computer that tracks Cindy and Balwin's every phone call and also can detect thermal body readings in whatever building they are in. This comes in handy when they send in disposable bad guy with long hair and disposable bad guy with the short blond hair to go kill them. Then there's the Latina chick bad guy who wears short black skirts or shorts and says "conyo" everytime something goes wrong. She wears lots of blush and has freckles but short, very severe baddie hair.

The sex scene, after no sexual tension whatsoever, takes place in an empty train compartment that casts lots of 1980's shadows over them - see picture above. Cindy gets her tits out and Balwin shows his ass. Most notable moment? When she reaches down his jeans and pulls out his massive gun.

The baddies eventually kill everyone connected to Baldwin and Cindy, all of his best friends and his cousin at the lab who helps him decode bullet shell mysteries and the like. Balwin's perpetually angry and shouting police cheif is played awesomely by Shooter Maggavin of "Happy Gilmore" fame. He is genuinely amusing.

I never watched the very end because a re-run of The Sopranos was on the other channel and, must I explain?

I am sure it concludes with Cindy and Balwin jogging into the sunset togethor on their way to a pine furniture shop. She probably says something like "if I was billing you this whole time I'd be rich" and he would respond with "bill this!" and plants a kiss on her. He will still have that gash on the side of his face that shifted position slightly from scene to scene.

Freezframe and roll credits.



Last week I watched a made for TV movie called "Dying to Belong" starring Hilary Swank, her mouth, Six from "Blossom" (she's the one who dies) and Zack from "Saved by the Bell". Its about university hazing gone deadly. The lead bitch at the sorority house is played by the blond from "Scrubs" (check out her expression on the movie poster) and she does a good job of not looking totally ugly in the early 90's. I watched it the WHOLE WAY THROUGH and actually enjoyed it. Hilary does well despite the script and the tormenting of the pledges is realisic and enjoyable. It gets a 3 star rating as a hang over chick flic.


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